I once flew from London to Hong Kong beside a person doing armchair aerobics, pretty much non-stop. Well, that’s how it 
seemed. All four of his limbs were in action, as was his seat – and mine with it. I was jolted across half the world in a steeply escalating rage. By the time we landed, I was ready to kill him. The person on his other side no doubt felt the same.
So, it was with great interest that I consulted travel etiquette expert, Alex Travers. Alex is the soul of in-flight tact; she knows how to handle this kind of thing. She has plenty of air travel tips to help.
“Engage him in friendly conversation,” she says. “This will stop him, but perhaps only temporarily. When he starts up again, turn to him with a smile and say ‘Heavens, these seats are unstable! One move from either of us, and they’re rocking! Perhaps we should call a crew member to take a look…’ And if this doesn’t work, do just that. Have a word with the crew and explain the situation.”
Photo by S Baker
Stirling the Second?
Alex has sane advice for all perennial plane problems, including the boot from behind. “Oh yes, it’s very annoying,” she laughs. “And it’s not only children who do it – some adults are seat-kickers too. If it’s a child, give the parents a big smile and break the ice with something like "He’s going to be the next Stirling Mortlock (or David Beckham, or whoever).’ Or simply say, in a friendly way, ‘Your child’s got quite a kick. Not sure if you realised…’”
Alex recommends treating the adult seat-kicker in the same nice kind of way that she’d have treated my Hong-Kong-bound passenger. “Say something like, ‘You only have to touch these seats and they wobble’ – and say it with a smile.”
Attitudes matter at high altitudes
Her very good advice is to say most things with a smile while you’re air-borne. “Being polite and friendly is important. 
Being on the attack doesn’t get you anywhere except into a tense situation which could remain for the entire journey.” Take, for example, the classic in-flight irritation: the armrest dominator. It’s shameful how angry we can become over a few square centimetres of elbow-space. But, as Alex points out, there’s room for everybody. “If you’re on the aisle, you’ve got the aisle armrest – plus you’ve got more leg-room, so be considerate and don’t take the centre rest too. The central seat is the one nobody wants, but if you sit there you’ve got the chance of two armrests, because the window seat has the window-side one. I know it doesn’t always work out like this, though. If things get difficult, I recommend that you keep smiling and suggest tossing a coin for the armrest, ridiculous as that may seem!”
Photo by S Baker
Don’t let it fester
Phones and laptops are another potential source of friction. “Just say something like, ‘I think you were busy with something when the captain made the announcement – it’s a pain, but all electronic equipment has to be switched off for safety reasons.’
Alex recommends dealing with this, and every other in-flight situation immediately. “Don’t let things fester. Just handle them in a nice, friendly way – or pass them over to the cabin crew if that gets you nowhere. And remember to be considerate yourself: tuck your elbows in while you’re eating; smile at the parents of crying babies, respect people who are trying to rest or read, offer tissues to a sneezer, cough-drops to a cougher – that sort of thing. I recommend carrying extra tissues for just that purpose!”
She has similar nice ways of dealing with chatterers (tell them – with a smile – that you’re unwell and need a rest, or that you’re going to watch a movie, or listen to music). For inebriated passengers, she recommends telling the crew.
Oh, I don’t know. Why can’t we all be like Alex? Next time I’m on a plane, I’m going to be as nice as pie. Even when the armchair aerobics commence. And that’s a promise.